Day 29 - Holy crap!

Well, look at that. It is day 29! My, how time flies.

For a normal human being, this would mean that I would be spending my Memorial Day weekend blissfully sipping my beloved wine and demolishing trays of sushi that would make Godzilla jealous.

I dream of this BOAT OF SUSHI happening to my face.

But am I normal? NO. I AM JEN. And obvi, not TEH normal. In fact, I'm probably a bit CRAY.

I have like ... 40 MOAR days of this nonsense. FOR. REAL. I told Nate that the 4th of July is probably going to involve mass quantities of sushi, wine, and for some reason: SMORES. In fact, I might need multiple sushi trips. =)

Oddly enough, I have zero cravings for bread or pizza. I used to be someone who could eat pizza (or a sandwich) every day, ALL DAY, forever and ever, AMEN. But now ... I just want the wine and the raw fish with SUGAR RICE. WHAT TEH F IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also, in the list of WHAT TEH F IS WRONG WITH ME:

• I've been seriously considering wearing clothing that is WHITE. Like the color ... like white clothing on my body. The last time I wore white was my wedding 10 years ago .. and that was vaguely under protest. I actually touched and considering trying on a WHITE FLOWY SKIRT. 
• I work out about 6 hours a week now. WUT?
• I enjoy squats and kettleball. DOUBLE WUT?
• I'm starting up Tango lessons again. WHO ARE YOU?
• I can lift cases of wine like they are nothing. WITHOUT WHINING. 
• I'm starting to carry cash on a regular basis. (Cash tips from work!)

WHO. ARE. YOUUUUUUU?????

I know. It's weird. Especially the WHITE CLOTHING thing. I don't even know ....as my sister once remarked:

"Jen, you could find the GOTH section in an Eddie Bauer."

True. That.

Upcoming: Jen gets new acting shots in a week or so (let me know if you want your signed 8x10). Jen goes to Spokanistan. Jen starts tango again. STAY TUNED.

Day 21 - Hair, wine, and bronchitis

It turned out that my Ebola was actually BRONCHITIS. My poor bronchi had the ITIS. My doctor put me on the exotic ZPAK of antibiotics (made in Croatia, of all places) and also gave me some sweet cough suppressants (which I really think were expensive Vitamin D capsules). Also, fun fact ... if you come into the clinic with a COUGH .. they make you wear a mask the whole time. It was glorious.

REALLY? I have to wear this?? WTF.

I just pretended that I was Bane from Batman the whole time and scared small children.

Also ... in other news I had my hair cut. And ... I mostly hate it. I would like to share with you my conversation via text with my sister.

Me: 

Me: This just in. Stupid hair. News at 11.

My sister: Okay now send me a picture without that face. Do you like it? Do you think it is awesome?

Me: I hate it.  I can't send you a picture without making a face. IT WOULD BE A LIE.

My sister: I can't really judge it with that face.

Me: I call this hair "the boner killah". There. I'm sending you a different picture. I'm picturing murdering the hair stylist.

Me: Maybe I just hate my face? I CAN'T SEPARATE ALL THE HATRED.

My sister: I don't have a revised picture yet.

Me: LOL. It is still sending. It broke the internet.

My sister: Oh stop it

Me: 

My sister: I think you are being silly. It looks fine.

Me: No it is gross. I need a bag for my head.

My sister: You are being ridiculous.

AND SCENE ...**edited for clarity and moar pictures of bad hair**

Let's see. I'm pretty much dying for a glass of wine because it is practically summer, I work at a frickin' winery, and I'm in WINE CLASS (BTW, I am ACING BECAUSE I AM AWESOME).

Other than that ... all is well ... eating all according to Whole 30 and trying to sweat every so often. It is also getting much more better now that the meds have kicked the crap out of my lungs.

LE SIGH

SOON.

Day 9 -- I'm boring

It's been both and awesome week and a kind of lame week.

Awesome: Foods and workouts have been relatively on schedule. I was introduced to the magic of kettlebells and I kinda love them. I moved approximately 80 cases of wine into storage and survived. Oh yes, and I actually started at the winery. I poured wine and everything.

Not our wine ... but imagine a couple of these bad boys.  Each case weighs about 40 pounds.

Lame: I AM STILL SICK. Seriously, I've been sick for a month now. It's a serious buzzkill. I keep saying that I am going to go to the doctor if I'm not feeling better ... and then I keep thinking that this stupid cold/flu/bronchitis/cough/ebola is going to go away.

Basically me with Ebola.

I know, I know .... I should just get my butt to urgent care or to my doctor and get checked out. But ... meh. I REALLY don't want to go. WAAAAAHHHHH.

Also, I REALLY WANT BOOZE. And working at the winery doesn't really help. =)

Yesterday it was warm  and all I wanted at the end of my long day was a nice Pinot Gris. And cheese.

Honestly, those are the two things that I miss. CHEESE and WINE.

WANT. SO. BAD. RIGHT. MEOW.

Le sigh. Anyhow. This weekend I'm going to be at the winery for Passport. I'm having Linner with a friend and going to rehearsal ... so it will be action packed!

Day 3, 4, 5: The days all run together ...

Strap in, it's going to be a wild ride up in here.

Day 3: I woke up feeling PRETTY DAMN SORE from hippy yoga. Mostly my quads ... to the point where having a cat accidentally jump on my lap made me cry like a ... well ....



I then made the mistake of saying "Sure, why not?" to intense radiation to my face skins (I AM VAIN. DO NOT JUDGE ME.). I have done lasers and acids and sandblasting to my face before .. so I thought no big whoop to bipolar radiation ultra face reshaping cookery. It was like having the WORST sunburn of your life .. but with a neat checker pattern. I spent the rest of Saturday with an ice pack to my face and warning the cats to stay away from my quads.

Oh. And I think hippie yoga reactivated my lingering cold/allerigies/ebola/death rattle.

Imagine this + grid/waffle pattern + snot + aching quads = Saturday

Day 4: I basically spent most of Sunday curled up on our coach reading trashy novels. BECAUSE. EBOLA GOO. I did venture to my friend's house to read a play .. but that seriously was the bulk of my activity. Oh and the sorenessss ...

FOR. REAL.

Day 5: Today, has been a pretty easy day. I spied on my across-the-street neighbor dancing for his baby in the garage in a way that can only be explained via this gif:

It was pretty adorable. The cats spent most of the day sleeping or begging for treats. I did a bunch of house chores, worked out ... nothing very exciting. My face is much less red ... but the texture ... it feels like LIZARD SKIN. It's gross.

Onwards and upwards. Hopefully, with 100% less pain/ebola/lizard skins.

Day 2: Angry, Bitter, and Loud ... Yoga!

Today, I went and did a yoga class with my friend, Carolynne. Now, I have taken all sorts of yoga. Hot. Hatha. Power. Vinyasa. Gentle. I've never tried this particular flavor: Kundalini. Carolynne warned me that it was going to be "chanty and hippie" and probably unlike most yoga I've done before. And yes ... all those things were true.

Let me now share with you my inner monologue during the class:

"For a yoga teacher ... you sure are surly."
"He totally didn't even acknowledge my joke about the release form. JERK."
"Whoa. Did you just tell that girl to STAY OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS.????"
"My mat is SO pretty. Oh .. wait. It's Nate's pretty pink mat. Dammit. I have mat envy."
"Yoga teacher gets to sit on a platform and spin mad beats like a DJ? Awesome."
"Mac Book. Nice."
"I shouldn't have sat in front. I can tell he hates me already."
"Oh. We are chanting? I need a script here."
"Dragon Fire breathing? OMG. I'm going to pass out."
"Dude. I can't even breathe properly. This is going to suuuuuuccccckkkkk."
"I feel SO high right MEOW."
"Oh shitballs. More breathing? Um. Lord Shiva help me."
"I have to put my arms at 60 degrees? Can I do about a 47 degree slant?"
"MY ARMS ARE ON FIREEEEEE."
"Passing. Out. Now."
"Oh thank god we are standing now."
"It's ok. Just go slow."
"I can hear that girl in the back breathing from here. She's an EXPERT breather."
"Yes, yoga dude. I'm trying to be DETERMINED. I'm determined NOT TO DIE RIGHT NOW."
"This pose is like an X-Wing fighter. I AM LUKE SKYWALKER, BITCHESSS."
"Hmm.. Shoulder pose. Not. Happening."
"Look, with all our feet in the air it looks like we are pedaling the sky!"
"Whoa. Kinda high again."
"Do. Not. Have. Core. Strength."
"Oh plow pose? LOL. Not. Happening. My boobs would suffocate me."
"More chanting. I think I got this one. Something about heart and then Siri from the IPhone and Wagyu beef."
"Expert Breather is also Expert Chanter. SO. Loud."
"YAY! Time to lie down. I'm super good at this part."
"..."
"......................."
"..................................................."
"Did Yoga dude leave?"
"..............................................................."
"..........................................................................."
"Seriously, are we being trolled right now????"
"Oh thank Shiva .. he's returned from his smoke break."
"Aww. There's singing now. I'll just make noises with my mouth."
"So ... how long should I sit here? I don't want to be the first one to roll up Nate's pretty pink mat."

And then ... the class was over. It was definitely .... different. And hard. And I'll probably be feeling it tomorrow. =)

Day 1: Coffee, Jeans, and Decay Pr0n

You may ask yourself ... so what does Jen actually DO all day now that she's not slinging that sweet email code?

Short answer: Well, it varies.

Take today. Today was a jambalaya of activities.

First, I got up and headed over to my friend's house to help out with some spring cleaning and visit with her kidlets. I must have been dragging because her oldest (preschool aged) said:

"I think Auntie Jen needs more coffee."

Not her child. But it IS offering me coffee.

Ah, out of the mouths of babes.

After cleaning (and watching Frozen ... LETTGO LETIT GOOOOOOO), I headed down to Pioneer Square to play tourist. I had never done the "Underground Tour" before so I thought I'd give it a visit. It was 90 minutes well spent. AND ... it was on my 101 in 1001 project, so double score.

Also, if you are into DECAY PR0N then this is the tour for you. Musty, moldy, damp, rusty ... it serves all shades. I didn't see any ghosts down there but I can definitely see why the BRO-DUDES from Ghost Adventures / Ghost Hunters thought it was cool. It definitely had ambiance.

Next, I drove back to the comforts of the east side. The cats made sure I was eating Linner properly. I got caught up on email and laundry.

OH. LAUNDRY. For several YEARS, I've been trying to get my lovely, sainted husband to consider wearing a different style of jeans. I determined the best way to get this to happen is to just to buy a bunch of different types jeans and make him try them on at home. In the kitchen. While he's trying to make dinner.

Not Nate's jeans. 

And huzzah! He kept the ones I picked! (Mostly so he could get back to cooking chicken) So now they are busy getting washed for his future use. Now ... if I can only get him to give up some of his t shirts. The man hoards t shirts and socks.

Not Nate's t shirt. But very well could be.

As for my little Whole 30 project ... easy peasy. The first days aren't the hardest for me ...it's the 10-12 day range where the rubber meets the road.

Thanks for following along! =)

OHAI

Soooo. About that. Last time I posted it WAS AUGUST. AUGUST. OF LAST YEAR. 2013.

Entirely unacceptable.

Y'all ... SO much has happened. SO. MUCH.


Bullet points:

• I spent A LOT OF TIME working or traveling for work Nov - March
• In January, I signed up for this awesome program called Precision Nutrition (PN).
• I said "HASTA LA VISTA" to my awesome job on March 28th 
• For the last 4 weeks I've been traveling to exotic locales (Spokane! Tucson! West Seattle!), going to classes, working on house projects, going on auditions, working on my 101 in 1001, annoying my cats, etc.

With all this "free time" I started thinking about my sad and lonely blog and my Whole 30 challenge last summer. And I thought .... why not give it another whirl? You know ... for fun!

ARE YOU EXCITED??? ZOMG!

And then I thought ... why not make this interesting? Why not try going for 60 days? Or hell ... why not try for ... I don't know .... THE FOURTH OF JULY. 72 days from today. 

*insert record scratch*

Jen, you be SERIOUS CRAY. Didn't you JUST start wine classes? Aren't you maybe (fingers crossed) going to start working AT A WINERY? ARE YOU CRAY????

Yeah. I'm cray. I got the wine thing figured out. Hold on, really.

1. Wine class: I HAD to sign a waiver ... promising that I wouldn't actually drink any wine. Any tasting I do has to be spit out. Yes, really. AND OMG SO F-ING GROSS.

2. Winery: Meh. See #1. =)

One other slight deviation. The Whole 30 says: "You are not allowed to step on the scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program."

The thing is with my PN program (see above) is that the food is VERY compliant with the Whole 30 and workouts are totally legit .. however ... PN likes me to weigh/measure and take pictures (kinky bastards). So ... that will be the one concession. I'm ok with it. REALLY.

I'm hoping to blog something at least every other day about this little adventure. I may throw some other stuff in here and there about my other #funemployment shenanigans.

Excited? Let's do this thing! EXCELLENT!

Day 5: Keep on Keepin' On

Hiyas. Sorry, I've been away from the computer. I have to do these silly walks (DEATH MARCHES) that are taking up my valuable TV/MOVIE/XBOX/READING/COMPUTER times.

And all the yogas. Of course.

The count so far:

Day 1, 8/14: 7531
Day 2, 8/15: 7703
Day 3, 8/16: 8004
Day 4, 8/17: 7601
Day 5, 8/18: 7734

Believe me. There were a couple of times where I just did not want to go on a walk to get my steps. But I did it anyway. Because I fear the shaming of the internet. I also strive to be a person who keeps their promises, at least to other people. I'm horrible about keeping promises to myself. FYI.

OH! In Rodney news. On Day 3 he had ANOTHER GIRL IN THE VIDEO. I was like ... oh come on .. RODNEY! THIS IS OUR SPECIAL TIME!!!

I guess it's his wife. Whatever.

HE was like all: Jen, this super bendy girl is going to show you how to do stuff and I'm going to talk you thru it all. Don't be scared. This is natural. This is how humans ARE. Humans do yoga together.

So ... in the name of experimentation ... I went along with it. It's not my favorite .. but I love my Rodney and want to keep him happy.

ALSO ALSO: I'm still (STILL!) doing the Whole 30 (now Whole 44). Nothing SUPER magical is happening except the need for new clothessss and my blood sugar is approaching perfection. You know. Nothing much.

All right. I gots to get to stepping. PEACE!

Day 32! Or the End! Or is it?

First, a hearty THANK YOU to everyone cheering us on during our little adventure. All the support we have received from everyone has really made this experiment work. There were a few times where I said to myself: Dude. This is dumb. Go get some cheese.

And then I thought about having to come here and publicly shame myself ... and that helped me survive.



Second! I know you are ... perhaps ... curious ... as to our results. So was I! Drum roll please.

Jen:

• Lost 11 pounds
• Lost 5 inches
• Lost 2% of body LARD
• Fasting blood sugar dropped 20 points

Nate:

• Lost 8 pounds
• Lost 4 inches
• Lost 2% of body LARD

I want to state, for the record, we did not do any increased exercise. Just same old stuff. Also, Nate did not track foods AT ALL. 

Other stuff that I noticed:

• Less hungry between meals (and less stabby)
• Less joint/back pain
• Better sleep
• Little/no allergy symptoms
• Better mood regulation

PRETTY NEAT STUFF RIGHT HERE.

Third. What happens next?

Well, that's a damn good question. Let's start with Nate-Dogg (REGULATE!!!!!).

Nate says that he is basically going to keep the same diet however beer and other goodies will make an appearance from time to time. He already "reintroduced" booze last night. It seemed to be fine.

Jen. Ah, Jen. Jen will now refer to herself in the third person. THIRD PERSON JEN! Jen is going to continue on this crazy ride for a bit longer. As STRAIGHT UP CRAY as it may sound, Jen really doesn't miss cheese or booze or bread or sugar. And Jen doesn't really relish the thought of potentially making herself ill reintroducing them. Now, don't get me wrong. I KNOW JEN. Like personally. And I KNOW that she will eventually want wine and cheese and other stuff. But just not RIGHT NOW. SO ... if it ain't broke ...

FOURTH MEAL. Do you have advice for other people trying this Whole 30 thing?

• Invest in tupperware for lunches and snacks.
• PLAN AHEAD. Read menus before you go to the restaurant. Pack snacks. Being prepared will save your ass.
• Breathe. It's just food. 
• Get as much variety as you can. Salad every day for lunch will kill your spirit.
• Don't let yourself get too hungry.
• Don't let the haters get to you. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT!
• Don't be a hermit. You CAN go out. You CAN hang out with friends. It is POSSIBLE.
• Sign up for the daily mails from the Whole 30 people. They really do help you stay motivated.
• Be accountable. Get a buddy. Start a blog. Do something so you aren't alone.

FIFTHLY. What is next???

Well, I still haven't decided the particulars. I like the idea of another challenge (that I get to whine about on this blog). I'm thinking it's going to be both YOGA and FitBit related. More to come.

Again, THANK YOU for playing along at home!

Ok ... Freddie ... play us out.

Day 27: J and Silent Bob shall return

You know how in movies with NASA there's that part where communications with the spaceship go dark for a period of time? Usually during a pretty critical part of mission? Well, true to NASA .. that is going to happen here. I won't be able to report back until Day 31.

Totally real image. TOTALLY.

Nate and I are hosting visitors and then headed (with aforementioned visitors) to the ocean for a few days.

You can look forward to the following, upon our return:

• Results! With DATA and maybe GRAPHS
• Maybe I will let Nate speak. Maybe. He is the Silent Bob of our partnership.
• Pros/Cons of the entire process
• WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?????!!!????

See you on the other side!!!

Day 25: So ... now what?

We've been at this challenge now for 25 days. While it may be premature to celebrate, I really do think we've got this one in the bag. NOTHING BUT NET, SUCKAS! SWISH!

(I believe that to be some sort of sport analogy.)

So, I've been pondering what I should tackle next. I have plenty of goals. I have another project of 101 goals in 1001 days (AKA the dayzeroproject). I have a couple diet/exercise goals that I could start next.

Maybe one of these:

• Do yoga every day for a month (I have a ton of yoga DVDs)
• Run/jog 1 mile non-stop (Ugh.)
• Complete P90X (More UGH. But ... Nate did it ... SO I MUST)
• Do a 30x30 Challenge (30 minutes of physical activity for 30 days) (Seems straightforward)
• Hike to the top of Mt. Si (UGH. Remind me to tell you a story of EPIC WOE about Mt. Si)
• Hit 10,000 steps a day on my Fitbit every day for a month

I know. These probably seem pretty weak sauce to some of my buff buddies out there in the world. DO NOT JUDGE ME. I AM SEDENTARY. I AM REALLY GOOD AT SITTING.

I also hate the outside. The sun wants to kill me (IT BURRRRRRNSSSS). The air is poison. The plants are poison (I am allergic to everything). The animals are poison (Except cats. Squirrels can fuck right off). Other people are horrible and honk at me. 

SEE!

I must ponder. 

Day 23: Extinction Burst and Banana Bread

WASSSSSUPPPP?

There are things I must tell you:

1. On Sunday, I got a bee in my bonnet and did some baking. I made Banana Bread (gluten and gluten free) for the office with out putting any of it into my mouth hole. It was bizarre. I didn't feel any sort of need to consume it or taste the delicious batter. Generally, in the past, only about half of the baking would make it into the office because I was "making sure it tasted ok". HEH.

SO delicious ... but meh.

2. I learned a new term. EXTINCTION BURST.

"While extinction, when implemented consistently over time, results in the eventual decrease of the undesired behavior, in the short-term the subject might exhibit what is called an extinction burst. An extinction burst will often occur when the extinction procedure has just begun. This usually consists of a sudden and temporary increase in the response's frequency, followed by the eventual decline and extinction of the behavior targeted for elimination. Novel behavior, or emotional responses or aggressive behavior, may also occur"

AND

"The evolutionary advantage of this extinction burst is clear. In a natural environment, an animal that persists in a learned behavior, despite not resulting in immediate reinforcement, might still have a chance of producing reinforcing consequences if the animal tries again. This animal would be at an advantage over another animal that gives up too easily."

Basically, it's the thing where you are doing well on changing a habit and then all of a sudden your brain starts thinking of ways to undo your progress. It happened to me on Saturday. All of a sudden I had a deep craving/thought-hunger for donuts. WTF, brain! I didn't follow thru .. but it was disturbing because it was just all of a sudden. DAMN YOU, EXTINCTION BURST.

3. FEAR PANTS

I am happy to report that I no longer own any FEAR PANTS. But Jen, what, pray tell, are FEAR PANTS? I will tell you. FEAR PANTS are the pants you have in your closet that you are afraid to wear because they may be uncomfortable.

I no longer have FEAR PANTS. I tried on every single pair of pants I own (even those ones in the bag that I was planning to give to Goodwill) and each one fit. I mean ... some of them are still not super amazing ... but they fit. AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF THEM.

Day 20: Descent into Weekend: Part Deux: The Reckoning

Can you believe it? 20 DAYS!!!!

DAMN STRAIGHT.

As previously mentioned, often times weekends can be my downfall. However, the upcoming weekend is PACKED full of tasks and things to do ... so I'm not super worried.

Saturday:

• Breakfast with a friend
• Acupuncture
• Creative meeting with my collaboration partner on a theater/art piece we are working upon (codename: SLUTTY PERIOD PROJECT)
• Errands

Sunday:

• SLEEPING
• Moar errands
• Cleaning the house, as we are expecting guests next weekend!
• Probably slinging some work emails. THE EMAIL MUST FLOW LIKE THE SPICE

I am MOST looking forward to SLEEPING and acupuncture. I will submit that acupuncture is just like sleeping except you have needles in your face.

Except I mostly get them in my back, legs, forehead, and EARS!

Hopefully your weekend will be stellar too! And maybe less needle-ish.

Day 18: The Day I Spat at My Desk

Today, I have spat at my desk.

Well, not AT my desk ... whilst seated at my work station.

The deets:

I ambled to the fridge and got a Talking Rain. They are delicious, carbonated waters ... sans any artificial ingredients. They look like this:

My favorite is the Peach/Nectarine but we were out of them.

I take my tasty beverage back to my desk and pop that top. Take a swig. And ... this is ... NOT Talking Rain. AT. ALL.

IT IS FRESCA.

OMG NOOOOOOOOOOO

I have HORROR in my mouth. I scan for a receptacle and EXPECTORATE the FRESCA into half full (cold coffee) cup. YOU SHALL NOT PASS, FRESCA! ( OMG SO FUCKING GROSS.)

This is strangely accurate. I'm very pale.

Then I have to take my SPIT CUP to the kitchen. I'm seriously giving myself the HEAVES just talking about this nonsense.

The point being ... I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED. By Fresca, by outings, by HATERSS, by whatever ...

Now ... here is a cute koala:

Day 16: Tiger Blood and My Pants

According to the friendly email I received this morning ... I should FEEL the TIGER BLOOD running through mah veins.

WINNING. Blood is TOTALLY on-plan, tiger or otherwise.

I'm not sure I know what that would feel like. The closest examples I have are my cats (they are kinda mini-tigers, right?). They sleep A LOT. They are loud when they want something. They have sharp claws. Again, I don't know how that translates to human activity ... but they are adorable.

Winston is #WINNING.

Anyhow. I actually don't feel so awesome. I have slug blood. Or whatever the opposite of TIGER BLOOD should be. Why? I'm not sure. However, I have a hypothesis. I think my drugs are making me sick. Now, not the FUN/AWESOME drugs ... but the boring drugs. I take something that lowers my blood sugar (NOT insulin) and I think all of this WHOLE30 stuff is making that medication work ... TOO well. My evidence:

I HAVE TEH GRAPHS:

My fasting and non-fasting blood sugars. Droppin' like it's hot, yo.

Calories. Kinda wild and crazy before ... low and even now.

I'm thinking that my body and medications are fighting. Ergo = I feel like crap. I'll tough it out for awhile and if things get TOO WEIRD/UNCOMFORTABLE I shall avail myself of my physician, forthwith.

In other news, it may be time to retire TWO pairs of pants. TWO! I have 3 pairs of black work pants (I know, boring. I am seriously fashion stunted. DO NOT JUDGE MEEEE). Two of these are made of semi-stretchy space age fabrics. These two pairs of pants are getting scandalously too big. By scandalously, I mean, I have moments in the parking garage where I'm glad that I park in the 5th circle of hell because a random passerby would have gotten A SHOW. FOR FREE.

And Mama doesn't just shell out the show for FREE.

How does one retire ... PANTS? I'm thinking Nate and I shall have a ceremony where I hoist my pants up to the ceiling of our closet while Boyz II Men plays, "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" ...

Picture IT:


AND THEN THIS ... lit with spotlights, pulled up super slow ....

Adieu, pants. Adieu.

*sniff*

It's so .... beautiful.

Day 13: Missing my scale ...

Something you don't know about Nate (my husband): He is a sneaky, sneaky man.

When we were prepping the house for our little experiment, he went around and removed our off plan foods. Sure, makes sense. He even hid my grandmother's cookie jar (which was STUFFED with Pocky and chocolate). He also hid our scales.

One of the "rules" for the experiment is refrain from scale hopping for the duration of the program. Now, I've had cravings for diet soda, for bread, for sugar in the last 13 days ... but nothing like my craving for DATA.

I NEEEEEEDS THE DATAAAAAA.

Not this guy. But I hear he's fully functional. HEH.

I will fully admit to being a scale hopper. I even have a fancy Aria scale that wirelessly uploads my data to my own personal website where I can make charts and graphs. I wear my Fitbit. I track my sleep. I check my blood sugar. I even have a log (HEH) in my bathroom where I write everything down, just to have a hard copy.

Now, there's a hole in my data set .. and it bugs me. Even more ... I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE HE HID MY SCALE!

WHERE ARE YOU, SCOOBY DOOOOO?

Late last night, I was SO jonesing for a data fix that I was manically searching the upstairs for my scale ... throwing towels and linens askew ... almost in a panic. And I was in my underwear. Just FYI.

But why? WHY?

Well, I'm a results driven, goal oriented person. I need to KNOW that I'm making "progress" and that "progress" should be 100% measurable. And I guess, in the past, the only (important) measure of  "progress" was a number on the scale.

BUT, JEN. COME ON NOW. THE SCALE IS LAME.

I know. There are other metrics. There's number of steps in a day. There's blood sugar levels. There's measurements. There's fat percentage. There's how you FEEL.  HOW I FEEL????!!!??? Honestly, the idea of HOW I FEEL as a success metric is icky to me.

Hmmmm.

I  find it interesting that the  "HOW I FEEL" metric is icky to me ...that a number is more valid (in my own mind) than my own assessment of my current state. Maybe I don't trust my own assessment? Maybe just "feeling good" is not "enough"?

Maybe I'm rambling and navel gazing and boring the crap out of you?

LOOK! The funniest cat video EVAR:

Day 12: Goat Rodeo Uprising

Ugh. Guys .... today has been a shitshow. An absolute GOAT RODEO of a Day.

Cat herding AND Goat Rodeo! WHEEEE!

I think I was cursed from the beginning because the theme of today's mail, brought to you by the lovely folks at Whole9, was STRESS.

I found this part interesting:

"So, are you a stress junkie? Does any of the following sound like you?"

• Are you always on tight deadlines, multi-tasking within an inch of your life or creating ridiculous schedules for yourself? -- UM. Let me check my schedule.
• Are you a perfectionist in everything you do, even when it doesn't really matter? IT *DOES* MATTER IF NATE'S T-SHIRT DRAWER IS NOT FOLDED CORRECTLY. Duh.
• Are you an inattentive listener, checking email, paying bills or cleaning while on the phone? - I'm sorry, what?
• Are you constantly worrying about "what if," stuck in an endless loop of dreaming up worst-case scenarios? -- What if I totally screw up this answer and everyone hates me???
• Do you rush everywhere, all the time, because there are other things elsewhere you should be doing? -- Uh. Yes?
• Have you lost all sense of patience, losing your cool when faced with even a minor telephone hold, appointment delay or grocery store line? -- Possibly.
• Are you always saying, "Things will calm down soon," but they never, ever do? -- But ... it will calm down like next week, right???
• Does the idea of a restorative yoga class, meditation or sitting quietly for 15 minutes make you want to crawl out of your skin? -- I'd rather put pins in MAH EYE HOLES.

Soooooo.....I might be a stress junkie. MIGHT! 

More: http://whole9life.com/2011/11/stress-addiction-1/

MoreMore: http://whole9life.com/2011/11/stress-addiction-2/

I will need to read this a bit more for comprehension .. I just have skimmed ... but yeah. Seems about right. And I *know* that I get wound up about stuff that no one else gives a pile of dung about. And I know it's not healthy. It's just a matter of figuring out what to stress about and what not to stress about. 

To Chill or Not to Chill ... that is the question.

I mean ... when I TELL myself to chill ... it's like Samuel L. Jackson telling me to chill. This whole scene (below) is basically what is going on in my head at all times (just add circus music and cats)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMV_r4LjQIo

So ... I guess I have another thing to figure out. YAY.

Day 11: I have emerged ... VICTORIOUS

Today I have been presented with:

• Top Pot Donuts
• Cheese (OMG all SORT OF DELICIOUS CHEESES)
• Appetizers
• German Brats
• and of course ... ALL OF THE BOOZES (including my own personal bottle of Veuve)

Popping bottles in the G6.

And then add a bunch of unpleasant emotions, stress, and having to meet new people in a semi-awkward social situation. Did I falter? Did I fail? Did I despair? DID I HAVE TO SHANK BITCHES???? NO! 

Victory or Death, motherfucker.

Yeah. That's right. AWWWWWW YEAH.  I was once again victorious. And frankly, I really didn't feel left out of all the stuff that was happening around me. I just clutched my sparkling water and smiled at people. I SMILED AT PEOPLE. 

And now, I have meatballs and homemade mayo waiting at home for me to feast upon! Thank the universe for a husband that can cook (and likes it!).

BTW: I heard this on the radio which I thought was amusing:

The food of your choice that will end your life tonight

Day 10: My chemical nonsense

Is it Day 10 already? Sheesh. Time flies when you aren't drinking. Or not. =)

I have to admit. I'm a little bored. B-O-R-E-D. Hell, even this post is BORING. You see, I think I'm about to hit another danger zone. It is the danger zone where you think you have everything on lock down and everything is routine AND YOU GET BORED.

AND THEN YOU TEMPT FATE.

AND THEN YOU FUBAR EVERYTHING. BECAUSE YOU CAN.

AND THEN YOU WAKE UP IN AN ALLEY WAY COVERED IN YOUR OWN VOMIT AND YOU ARE MISSING YOUR SHIRT (not that EVER happened to me. ever. it happened to a friend. that one time. at band camp.)

Don't get me wrong. I am not experiencing any thoughts and/or temptations about breaking my little experiment. It's just that well ... yeah ... again ... a sense of ennui. A sense of .. something is missing. I am the first to admit, I am the root cause of most of my own downfalls and failures. I think this BORING stage is one of my traps. So yeah. There's that.

I also have a work event for a big part of the day tomorrow. Where inevitably people will give me shit about not drinking ... which ... yeah, good times. I know. Fake it with some club soda and a lime or some water in a wine glass. However, given that I am a girl-person of a child-breeding age ... I get the even more awesome eyebrow raise of "OMG YOU ARE TOTES PROBABLY HOUSING A FETUS!!!! OMG! WHEN ARE YOU DUE???".

Which that nonsense makes me want to stuff my shirt and clutch a bottle of Jack Daniels. Maybe even take a fake cigarette break. And talk about how sick I am in the mornings. And how I'm craving ice cream and raw meat. Or whatever it is that pregnant people do.

Totes drinking for two!

And then there's the entire chorus of "OMG! JEN you are a DEBBIE DOWNER FOR NOT DRINKING!!!". Womp womp.

I say onto you, O YE WHO QUESTION MY NON-DRINKING STATUS, you cannot handle the JEN sober ... you def. CANNOT handle the JEN Chemically ENHANCED!

We shall see what the day brings tomorrow. Hopefully, I will not need to shank any bitches.

Day 9: Weekend Conquered!

I have emerged  from the DREADED WEEKEND OF DESPAIR ....

TRIUMPHANT ... GLORIOUS ... VICTORIOUS!

HEY WEEKEND! COME AT ME BRO!

Not only did I stay perfectly on plan (without killing anyone) ... I was able to:

• Meet a friend for coffee (and did not doctor my coffee ... although I almost made off with someone else's coffee ... OOPSIES)
• Go to a play reading where there was cheese AND wine
• Have brunch with a couple of friends (poached eggs and fruit for me)
• Sit on the patio, BBQ meat products, and not drink wine

I'm not going to lie. I would have REALLY REALLY REALLY enjoyed a nice, crisp, cold, white wine on my patio (the weather here has been AMAZE-CRAY). But I didn't. I just whined (HAR HAR) about it and demolished the steak that we grilled.

Even today, I had a lunch date with one of my besties at a WINE BAR near my office and managed to order a salad .. with all the dressing, cheese, nonsense ON THE SIDE. And I didn't even finish the salad. (WUT??) 

ON THE SIDE is a magical phrase. It means .. I get exactly WHAT I WANT. I've always felt like a special snowflake-douchey-high maintenance-bitch-face if I asked for amendments to the dish I was ordering. However, the semi-nice server said ... "Eh. It's your food. You have to eat it." TRUE THAT.

My bestie at lunch asked how I was feeling and/or if I had noticed anything different yet. Good question. Actually, yes. Surprisingly enough.

• I feel well-rested (which with a sleep disorder is a MINOR miracle)
• I have more energy
• I am less moody (which I'm sure everyone around can benefit from THAT little side effect)
• Less intense allergy symptoms
• I am less cranky if I'm hungry (which also is a minor miracle)

So far .. no real negative side effects. Which is ... also kinda weird ... STRANGE THINGS ARE AFOOT AT THE CIRCLE K, people.

Until next time ...

BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER. PARTY ON DUDES.